|
Types Of Abuse... |
|
Abuse in relationship covers many scenarios from the most obvious to the excruciatingly subtle. The most important thing to remember is that confusion, pain and blame are the prevalent elements in abuse. If you are confused by the relationship, hurt by the relationship or find you are perpetually or often blamed for things beyond your control (and even within your control), then you are likely in an abusive relationship. While we all carry baggage from past experiences, the type of confusion, pain and blame involved in abusive relationships is a clearly distinct array of experiences created by the present day relationship with an abusive partner. These present realities may combine with past experiences and deepen the potency of confusion, pain and blame. For example, a victim may struggle with feeling “stupid” easily, regardless of treatment, but an abusive partner belittles the feelings, the opinions, actions and the observations of others and especially of the victim, further compounding an already present sense of insecurity. The various categories of abuse can be described as: 1) Mental/Emotional: name calling, putdowns, blame, passive/aggression, exploitation of known insecurities, insults, intimidation tactics, breaking or destroying cherished possessions, etc. 2) Physical: slapping, pushing, hitting, kicking, punching, biting, etc. 3) Sexual: being forced into sexual contact, using relationship as the justification “you are my wife” for sexual activity, etc. 4) Threats: “I’ll kill you.” “You’ll pay.” “I’ll kill myself.” “You’ll never see the kids again.” This is obviously mental and emotional abuse but is a uniquely powerful element since it also gives victims the opportunity to document and note the overt and outright threats in any civil or criminal legal proceedings. 5) Isolation: cutting off from contact with family, friends and co-workers, suggesting loved ones are against or unfriendly with the abuser or the abused, not allowed to leave the house, monitoring mileage on the cars, etc. 6) Economic: not allowed to have a job, being given an allowance, all expenditures monitored to check for any “extra” or suspicious activity, sabotaging efforts to get a job, causing economic hardship in order to reinforce any dependence, etc. There are times when one spouse/partner intentionally leaves the other with a sense of being crazy and has actually set the unsuspecting partner up in order to introduce and cultivate self-doubt. An example of this would be to leave the stove on and then swear and declare the other person left it on and how irresponsible and how crazy s/he is to think it was anyone but her. The purpose is to gain complete control of the mind and life. This is true with the issue of being “crazy” as well as being “bad” or “good.” If a partner can gain mastery over the other with mind games intended to produce doubt, blame and fear, then the addition or continuation of physical abuse completes a more total work of whole person invasion. One of the best paths to freedom from fear and from abuse is the introduction of truth and of support. One thing that chips away at this prison and returns the victim to self-ownership is the introduction of a truth that cannot be refuted by any other logic or any other reality. Here it is: There is no excuse for any maltreatment or abuse, not one “bad” or “crazy” behavior. Intimate partner violence does not come from logic connected to love, connected to the preciousness of life or the value of the relationship itself. Intimate partner violence is not the fault of the victim and does not happen because of any present-day circumstance or relationship. Intimate partner violence erupts from profound distortions and delusions about power and control created by experiences and learned behavior early in life. Someone might say “s/he cheated on me, I was enraged, I could not help myself…” and that explanation might have some power over the victim if this is true and can be and often is used over and over again - even when “cheating” has not occurred. But the truth remains the truth: There is no excuse for abuse, no matter the circumstances or even how understandable the rage. “Justifications” announcing past victimization like: “My dad used to beat me, I cannot help myself.” do not change the injustice of domestic violence. There is still, however understandable, no excuse. Love does not hurt and should not hurt and is not abuse. “I love you so much, I can’t help myself when I think you’ve…” If you have heard these words, then you have heard confusion and false-love. Love nurtures. Love cherishes. Love guards against abuse. Love never raises the fist or smacks across the face or sends insults hurling. Fear, control and insecurity posing in the form of passion and desire raises the fist, smacks the face, sends insults hurling and hugs the “loved one” when finished but not before making it her fault. 95% of victims of domestic violence are women. This is why the reader will mainly find references to the victim as female. The main thing to remember about abuse is that it is a pattern that asks its victims to reconcile and make sense of realities and happenings that are irreconcilable and nonsense. One of the more difficult tasks is to see this fact and act on it. But the patterns of control and abuse often set a victim up so that the ability to see clearly that s/he is being abused is impaired as well as the ability to comprehend that the abuse has no justification. Family Abuse Services works daily to helps victims see with clarity and act in their own best interest. |
|
Erasing domestic violence one victim at a time |
|
Court Advocacy • Temporary Safe Shelter • Referrals • Community Education |
|
24/7 Crisis Line: 336-226-5985 |
|
Family Abuse Services P.O. Box 2192 Burlington, NC 27216 |
|
To contact us: |
|
Member... |
|
© 2007 Family Abuse Services Page Last Updated: 1/04/2007
|
|
Information contained in the Family Abuse Services of Alamance County website is intended for informational and educational purposes only and is not meant to replace, and should not be interpreted or relied upon as medical, psychological, legal or professional advice or otherwise. By accessing the Family Abuse Services of Alamance County website you automatically agree to be bound by the terms and conditions contained in its disclaimers. Please read Family Abuse Services of Alamance County’s Disclaimer for further information. |